?Dear Beautiful Stars,
These past months have been challenging for me. I don’t think of myself as a pessimist, and yet in retrospect, seeing the world through my lens has been rather murky, cluttered, and chaotic. In my long term memory, most of the memories I have kept are not very happy ones, since most have
been of people telling me I didn’t live up to their expectations. Interesting monologue to leave at my doorstep over the years. Since then, I have come to the conclusion that people suck! In retrospect, it seems foolish as I think back on the tumultuous life I have had because of what others have done TO me. It is tongue and cheek to say I am a victim, but I have since moved out of that mentality to bring joy and light to others despite what trauma has occurred to me. Yet, out of fear, shame, blame, guilt, and the inability to process this overwhelming sense of demise, I did suffer at the hands of people who instilled in me the fact that I didn’t add up to the person they wanted or envisioned. Thus, my memories equate to the fact that something was wrong with me and not them. I’m too loud, I’m too intense, I make waves, I invite conflict by standing up for what’s right, I am disorganized, I am impatient, I miscommunicate, and I am needy. Wow! So, I wonder if people are even worthy of my gifts since they prefer me to live by their prolific standards instead of mine. They have no idea how I see them, which would be calling the kettle black.
I do believe the energy I gave out on a cognitive level, earlier in life, as mentioned in my profile, was attracting people with self-esteem issues. They wanted to change me in the way they tried to perfect themselves, which of course didn’t happen. It still doesn’t. People still want to control me through verbal, emotional anger projected on to me because of their own unhappiness. Why is the need so great for these people to control the very light within me, choosing to burn it out instead of add to its glow? I have, since then, attracted some amazing, glowing, and creative people who bring joy and light to my life. It feels good to be surrounded by those who accept me as I am, even with the flaws attached to my wings. Still, the sweet rebel in me isn’t under the belief she is safe to connect at a deeper level yet, and I trust her instincts completely. She has been betrayed so much, so will not move forward until she feels ready.
I am not of the cliché’ “she fits in the box” type of woman. I have never fit into any box and never will. I don’tfollow rules, as I have a rebel spirit that runs wild and will never be tamed. Why should I fit in when I was born to stand out? I have passion when I speak and my voice becomes raised. “You are way
too intense, Kimberly!”, as some of my male friends would say to me. And, so what if I am? I have my reasons for being intense, and yet whenever I have tried to explain this to them, I would be dismissed, as if what I had to say was unimportant or untrue. This made me angry for several reasons. For one, I am an intense person due to the traumas I have survived. People harmed me, betrayed me, and survival was painful and intense! Being alone in the world didn’t feel safe nor a place for me to connect with anyone on any level. Second, I have a Ph.D., am beautiful, and say what I think. That speaks volumes in and of itself. Consequently, people are threatened by me and struggle in how to communicate effectively with me knowing this. It upsets me greatly when intelligent individuals refuse to be
respectful when they use their voices too loudly, choose not to communicate their feelings, nor share their burdens, discuss conflicts, or find compromise within a relationship. Fake people are a waste of my time and energy. Yet, men are allowed to be intense and loud by societal norms while women can only show a smile and foster a nurturing environment. Not so with me!! Communication works both ways so be prepared to hear me roar! If you are sarcastic, rude, loud or belittling, I will call you on the carpet. I don’t appreciate judgmental people, nor those who are demeaning, lack integrity, and choose a negative attitude.
I think another reason why I am so intense is because of my upbringing. I lived in such a controlled environment, I inhaled as much of the anger that was seared upon me. I then, exhaled it later in life when I felt safe to do so. For me, it was a learned behavior for survival during high school. I struggled during college because I had no voice to ask questions. Then, later in life it saved my life. The rage and anger that festered in me from such a young age is what I drew strength from as I got older and became a risk taker. After surviving both traumatic brain injuries and assaults, the anger surged to new heights, because surviving the loss of my sanity was so disturbing I had to dig deep to realize there was still me in there to find. The rage I carried was drowning me to where my lungs had no breath to inhale. I hated the world, God, and everyone who was connected to my plight. It came with PTSD and it took over my life. The intensity of darkness I fell into was so black, it suffocated me until I had no air to rise. And, that same intensity that consumed me to death, saved me. For in that moment of darkness was when I became fully aware of my vulnerabilities. I claimed them, voiced them, and loved them, because I realized in that second, that mere moment of brokenness, I was pure love. For I had found my greatest strength in Him.?
I have come to understand through my recovery, that being intense has positive traits for me. When in an emergency situation, I can rush in and be as calm as a cucumber, and use my intensity to support in whatever ways are necessary. I am flexible with my time and can assist those with psychological traumas, and/or coach individuals with other dilemmas. Yet, when it comes to playing on the lake with a raft, in a boat, or with any other fun water sport, I am unsure how to respond and behave. I never had those luxuries growing up and my inner child starts to take over with intense play to
enjoy life’s intense moments. I haven’t yet tamed the child within and her spirit and intensity to perform, learn, write, and love are yearning for their turn now.
As for this moment, there is nothing wrong with being intense and passionate. I am learning to find a balance with it. Yet, it grieves me knowing there are people in my life who struggle to accept this in me. Unfortunately, for them, the passion and intensity I bring to my life will not go away any time soon. And, to me, it seems, passion and intensity offer a wonderful union in how we can learn to live in the glow even better…?
?In Love and Light,
Kimberly Lees, Ed.D.