🌸Good Evening Sweet Souls,
I hope Sundae evening is coming to a gentle closure after the remarkable weekend. It’s raining outside and we need every drop the clouds offer us here. I’m sure the earth is thirsty everywhere. I pray God in His wisdom can forgive our toxic ways we have treated Mother earth and bring global healing and health to our environment to save our planet. We take so much for granted and because of global warming our environment is being transformed into a wasteland. Pray for the soul of our nation, its people and to heal our lands.
Also, being September 11th is a reminder to pray and honor the men and women heroes who sacrificed their lives for the war on terrorism. We must never forget those who died in the towers, the responders, the innocent bystanders, and on those on the planes. The families and friends who lost their loved ones still carry the loss of family members in their hearts and minds. Let us be vigilant in keeping our borders, air, water, and virtual superhighway safe from predators of other countries. Be light.
Today I write about what women want from men in relationships. Women are sparkling jewels. Their luster can shine or become tarnished from being chiseled down by men with bad behaviors. Relationships can be heaven on earth or toxic as hell. A quality relationship depends on the individuals who are seeking partners. People come from various backgrounds and childhoods, whether healthy or toxic. Not all adults know how to treat women because they may have come from broken or abusive homes. It is important that men understand what qualities are important to women in order to have a deep and meaningful relationship with them.
Individually, a person must love him or herself first in order to love someone else. This is unequivocally the most important step before a person proceeds to finding a partner. Once a person discovers self-love in living a life of glow, s/he will manifest the person that is a perfect “fit” for him or her. No one is perfect. And we need to be gentle and kind as we communicate to others what we are looking for in a person. And ensure you have the same qualities instilled in you that you want to find in your partner. Be realistic. And have fun!
After reading an article about what men want from women or their partners in a relationship, I exhaled to wrap the complexities around in my head. There was one theme that kept popping out at me. Communication. This prompted me to voice my thoughts and research what women hungered for in a relationship with men. It was quite the eye opener to see how far women have journeyed to be seen and heard and how far they still have to go for glow.
Women Bloom and are Becoming the Future
Women know how to express their feelings through voice intonations, language, written metaphors, facial expressions, body gestures and movements, tears, silence, and by leaving, many times too late, from a bad situation. With great strides, women are learning how to use their voices through social media, the arts, in print, music, film, and photography to express their emotional pain, suffering, light, love, joy, and triumphs. We are the change of the future and our voices will not be silenced ever again.
Women’s Ways of Knowing, by M. Belenky & N. Goldberger teaches us that women cooperate, communicate, and collaborate when unveiling their hearts and souls in order to blossom to full bloom. Abused women from childhood have battle scars of forced silence, blame, shame and guilt. Many are lost souls with decades of tormented brain development from neglect and abuse. These women are the walking wounded who have risen to great heights to shower the world with their talents, wisdom, beauty, grace, worthiness, and transformation. They remind us that women are always blooming. And like flowers, it is a seasonal process. Growth is evolutionary. We are in the process of becoming.
Women find their identity when sharing their stories with other like-minded women who have had similar experiences. Those who choose to rise from pain and suffering give others permission to shine brilliantly with grace. In the process of discovering self-love, they discern their worthiness, brilliance, and superpowers from the God spark within. They claim their voices of sovereignty, and choose to live joyously in the present. How women react to circumstances beyond their control carries their light…✨
History of Women’s Plight
For centuries, women have been denied access to privilege. Higher education (i.e., Harvard College) 400 years ago, was created exclusively for white men according to the ranks their families held in society. Even today it is purported the white majority of wealthy legacy applicants are admitted five times the rate of non-legacies. Women having been silenced, controlled, abused, blamed, shamed, and guilt ridden for most of their lives because of societal norms.
Even today women struggle to gain access to upper executive positions because the elite white men carry the torch and are unwilling to pass it on to a woman. Only 7.4% of women have leadership positions in the Fortune 500 Companies as of 2020. This echoes volumes since women outnumber men in college, have higher grades and are retained at a higher rate. The resistance and isolation as women advance to upper levels is an overwhelming bias. The stereotypical mindset of women in the workplace still rules. Being “aggressive” is perceived by male colleagues when women are competitive. Or they do not “look like us” is another accusation for women who over compensate and are ambitious. They are perceived as “harsh,” “bitches,” or “insensitive.”
Yet because women faced extraordinary amounts of fear, controlled entanglements, and mental anguish, they realized they had to save themselves because no one was coming to save them. They discovered great courage deep within to push out and rise from their controlled environment of silence. They found other women who identified with their plight and became anchored in themselves with a voice of truth to shine a light on social justice.
Women now demand a voice to speak their minds, to say “NO”, to have the right to vote, and to control their bodies when making moral decisions about abortions. Women found independence as they began to use their minds, glean knowledge, and become “think tanks” beyond the glass ceilings where men initially boxed them in. They made choices to have a career over child-rearing, experience independence of a man, and discover freedom from suffrage, discrimination, domination, abuse, and control.
Even after all these decades of the most unbearable acts of slavery, rape, and cruelty by men, women are still asked to train men how to communicate their feelings to us so they can understand us better. I am utterly stunned.
I ponder the decades men could have sought out therapists and life coaches, speech courses, and personal speech trainers, whose expertise in coaching social skills would have developed their communication skill-sets to break the fearful boundaries they have placed themselves in when it comes to sharing vulnerable communication with women. Or to communicate with clarity with another person. After all, it has been a white man’s world for centuries.
To manifest a healthy lifestyle, men have to choose to engage in behaviors reflective of positivity, self-love, self-confidence, self-esteem, forgiveness, and trust. Observing the current bad and corrupt behaviors in many of corporate America’s private and public industries, federal, state, and local institutions and political realms, I can’t imagine how any man or woman would be capable of finding a quality role model as a mentor.
Professionally, fear practices have lead men into silence so they can partner in the “Good Old Boys Circle.” Yet to live a life for someone else’s gain is a wasted life of self-degradation. Only by exposing their secrets and shadows to the light can they be freed. Forgiveness is a powerful transformational mind shift of vast proportions. Self-love is foundational to loving someone else.
It is key for men to release past trauma and negative self-talk that has imprisoned their minds. Choosing to leave the victim mentality at the door before ever pursuing a relationship means they are open to the opportunities of positivity and light. Self-love is accepting themselves as they are, where they are with flaws and all. It’s forgiving their persecutors for hurting them and forgiving themselves of the prison they placed themselves in with blame, shame, and guilt. Self-love gives men the freedom to live joyously in the present! It also brings transformation, positivity, and living a life of glow. The old ways are released and a new way of knowing has begun. Renewal is exciting!
A man will become complete in himself mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. If there is repressed trauma from past experiences that has led to bad behaviors when conflict arises, these unresolved issues can be addressed head on before continuing to seek a partner.
Choosing self-love sets you free of entanglements and allows you to move forward into a healthy, joyful relationship when ready and willing to receive love from another.
A man cannot expect his female partner to engage in communication with him if he doesn’t have a mature toolset of communication skills to discuss his feelings at a deep and meaningful level. Communication is a two-way reciprocity of trust, respect, transparency, honesty, and vulnerability. It’s called intimacy. This is why shared experiences are so beautiful, insightful, mysterious, and blissful. When both individuals are willing to risk, it is a shared experience of inhaled serenity.
Below are seven ways men can choose to support and nurture women in building a deep and meaningful relationship.
- Women Want to Be Cherished
Women are not Barbie Dolls that can be controlled, taken off the shelf when men need or want them, and ignored when they don’t. Women are not here to serve men’s needs, be their doormat, please them, be their maid, or become a societal version of men’s expectations. Women are not robots. They are beautiful and emotional human beings who struggle with daily battles too.
Women work hard at their careers, may take care and discipline their children, take them to/from school, home-school them, transport them to sports practices, and then, do household chores, make meals, grocery shop, etc. Or maybe she’s a female partner or the CEO of her own company and has responsibilities, commitments, and travel. When women get home from work, they are exhausted and need someone to listen to them when they come home. Or maybe they need space and time to process, work out, or time out. These moments are worth talking about so both partners can work together for stress free situations.
Women desire a man who is responsible, follows through, and is committed daily to a joyous, loving relationship. Love is a choice. Women want to share the power in a relationship. A man does his fair share of the household chores that both he and his partner have discussed in advance. No one has subliminal expectations of the other. Expectations are communicated and shared until a compromise is reached.
As a partner, it is a shared responsibility for the man to fix dinner, watch the children, vacuum, do laundry, and give his partner his undivided attention. Believe it or not, this is considered foreplay for women. The book, Sex Begins in the Kitchen, by Kevin Leman, unveils exciting and fun ways to bring a lifestyle of passion and intimacy into a relationship, which is more about how partners treat each other throughout the day than beneath the covers. Women know that actions speak loudly.
Women want to be cherished. The English Dictionary defines this word as holding or treating someone dear, feel love for, or to care tenderly for. Women want to be a priority in their man’s life instead of at the bottom of the weekend check list. They desire to be a major participant in family decisions regarding purchases, vacations, budgets, moving, changing jobs, retirement, etc. Women want men to think about them, leave them notes, text, call, and offer small surprises for them so they know they are special.
Women don’t appreciate being told how much money men have spent on them. Gifts should be gifts with no strings or obligations attached to the gift. And when dining, women want to order their own dinner and beverage of choice. When dating, it is disrespectful for a man to expect a woman to split her meal or be told what beverage to order. This may seem perfectly acceptable for men who find women unworthy of a meal or beverage of choice and don’t want her to buy an expensive dinner or beverage. But this behavior equates to one of control and domination. It brings feelings of shame and guilt and fear of his repercussions if she chooses to be disobedient. No one wants to be with a person who is controlling and dominating.
Women don’t want to play the role of “Mother” and remind men to take out the trash, pick up the kids, grocery shop, or other tasks that may still need to be completed. It isn’t a woman’s responsibility to tell her man what to do, when to do it or how. The woman doesn’t want to nit-pick at her man or pick up after him because he’s lazy, sloppy, or unclean.
A man is smart and mature enough to remind himself of his responsibilities and do them. A man should be able to practice organization skills, time management skills, and keep reminder tools, alarms, etc. so he can keep a healthy and organized schedule. It’s amazing how technology offers men and women a plethora of apps, alarms, calendars, schedules, and reminders to live an organized lifestyle. No excuses. We are mature adults after all and can choose to make ‘time’ for certain priorities.
- Women Want to Be Heard.
Women are communicators. And when women talk we want men to listen to us with their total presence. Not with their phones attached to their foreheads, watching ESPN, gaming, or staring at the computer. Women want a man’s full attention. Their presence offers women respect, dignity, and we become a priority.
Women dislike being interrupted by men while sharing their feelings or important details about their day. It’s challenging enough to express how they feel to their male best friends, but when he’s distracted by his own thoughts or is trying to formulate a response to “fix” her supposed (non)problem before she had time to finish communicating her thoughts, his behavior becomes dismissive and disrespectful. As with any person, when women are ignored and treated as invisible, women will look elsewhere to share their news.
And men, please don’t play the devil’s advocate by giving affirmation to your woman’s opposing forces who is rocking her world when she discloses her battles for the day. That is offensive and demeaning. It promotes divisiveness between you and the woman you care “supposedly” deeply for.
A woman should never have to justify herself to her man when she confides in him her deepest secrets, troubles, and issues at work, with friends, or family. If this becomes a pattern, she will stop sharing confidential information to her man and will seek out someone else who is willing to listen and offer their presence, support, and kindness.
- Women Want to Feel Safe
Women need to know men are consistent in word and deed. That men “walk the talk.” Men’s intentions should have results. Don’t set women up with idealistic ideas to turn around and suffocate the life out of them because men lacked the word “integrity” from their spelling bee list.
Women expect to have a trusting, honest man who will follow-through consistently with his promises. Women want to feel safe at all times when they are with men and when men must leave women alone independently. Women trust that men will protect them in their homes by locking the doors, windows, alarms, etc. so no one will violate them. Women trust men to be diligent in wanting the best for them, and ensure their basic needs are met.
When men are not with their women, women trust the men will behave in a respectful manner by keeping their boundaries with other women. Engaging in flirtatious conversations and emotional flings or affairs is bad behavior and will destroy the trust necessary for a continued healthy, meaningful, and joyous relationship.
Women want men who choose to be honest and are grounded in integrity. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. When either partner becomes fearful of crossing a boundary line outside of their relationship, both partners should be willing to engage in conversation and therapy to support each other in the communication battles they suffer. Therapy, coaching, and other approaches to open communication is a breath of fresh air.
- Women Want to be Loved
This seems to be the most challenging area for men to thrive in…Loving a female companion. What does that really look like for her? Many times it’s like two ships passing in the night when trying to love a woman when he doesn’t realize what she needs for true intimate love to flourish.
The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, identifies which love languages women and men use more frequently than others that defines how we perceive love for ourselves. It is not the same for everyone. That is why a man might be missing the female’s love language when offering her love and vice versa.
The Five Love Languages are: 1. Words of affirmation, 2. Quality time, 3. Gifts, 4. Acts of service, and 5. Physical touching. By identifying a woman’s primary and secondary love languages, a man will have a deeper insight about what his female partner’s needs and wants are. It’s a learning opportunity for both partners to find their love languages together. Yet men may also require an opportunity to practice their communication skills when sharing intimate dialogue with their partners so they can develop a more intimate relationship when sharing their love languages .
What is Love?
Love, literally, reduces our stress, offers new beginnings, possibilities we hadn’t seen before, because our heart was blocked by past pain and sorrow. Love brings compromise and compatibility, because we are more likely to overlook a person’s flaws in the beginning since the “honeymoon” stage is like a “falling star” from heaven, just waiting to hit the ground. Yet, when you do hit, sometimes, reality hits hard.
Remember, we are looking into the mirror of people who have gravitated toward us with similar characteristics, gestures, attitude, values, etc., and the looking glass may not be as perfect as we had imagined. In principle, what we want in partners are the same qualities we must also have nurtured in ourselves for it to be a truly loving experience. So, if neither partner loves themselves, it would be challenging for them to love someone else in a meaningful, deep, and loving relationship.
Love is not a feeling.💗 Love is an action word, whereby actions speak louder than words. As Ralph Waldo Emerson wisely pontificated, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.” It’s true. When you love someone, not only is it the intention in word, but in deed as well.” Your intention means nothing because it has no meaning through your works or action. “Walking the talk,” is echoed consistently throughout business corporations in leadership training yet challenging to make a reality among most leaders. Women want action from men instead of empty promises.
Loving yourself means self-knowledge. It is taking a self-inventory to reflect on who you are as a person. To unveil the characters, qualities, personality traits, idiosyncrasies, gifts and talents, intuitiveness, intellect, values, morals, etc. that you alone grace the world with daily. YOU, individually are a gift to the world! Accepting who you are as a person with flaws, secrets skeletons, masks, and brilliance are uniquely your own. By giving yourself permission to shine, you allow others to do the same.
Despite the romance, gifts, and emotional highs of endorphins that feel like starbursts of chemical attraction, when we are truly “in love” with someone, the depth of commitment to a female is greater and deeper than the ocean. When a man loves a woman, he will climb a mountain for her in order to make her happy, even though her own happiness comes from within. Love from a man compliments a woman’s love and expands what they have together to make harmony.
If you wish to take the quiz for determining your love languages together, click here:
Love is resilient, forgiving, open, honest, transparent, selfless, generous, and sacred. It is kind, caring, empathic, patient, faithful, and hopeful even in the worst of circumstances. Loving a woman is a sacrifice because as a man you leave your ego behind and choose the woman you love as your priority. When a man loves a woman, he puts away his childish ways, no longer clinging to his mother. The man will leave his mother’s side to be “one” with the woman he loves to start his own nuclear family.
1 Corinthians: 4-13 NLV
4-Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5-or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6-It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7-Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
8-Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9-Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10-But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.
11-When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12-Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
13-Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.
- Women Want Emotional Maturity
Women are emotional human beings. Being emotional can also be intuitive, which brings a different type of knowledge and solutions. Even though women do not always think rationally, their emotional intellect is quite brilliant in comparison.
Women prefer to have a man who also has gleaned emotional maturity through his life experiences in partnerships, collegial relationships, family ties, networking, and other personal experiences. Women enjoy knowing that a man can offer substance in processing his emotions when trying to find resolution to a problem.
Acquiring an Emotional IQ is the ability to understand other people’s perspective and knowledge. It’s a longing to connect at a deeper level far beyond the intellect. When we do we can process our own emotions with clarity to relieve stress, communicate more effectively, neutralize conflicts, and rise above challenging situations.
Emotional maturity and intelligence is not acquired but learned. It is a skill set of knowledge that must be applied to your life if you choose to enhance its full benefits.
- Women Want Kindness, Gentleness, Patience, and Compassion
Women want men who are considerate of them. Women want to know that when they are sick, hurting, dealing with migraines, broken ribs, monthly ailments, bad days, insomnia, etc. that men will be understanding, kind, and patient. Realize that bad things happen to good people. Partners should be committed to cherish, care, and support the women they love through the good, the bad and the ugly.
- Women Want Flexibility and Compromise
Realizing that men and women have their own set of rules to live by, it is a daunting task to change anyone except themselves. Yet in a relationship, women want men to be open to change, compromise and flexibility, especially when it comes to societal, house, religious, family, eating, house pets, and pampering rules. Even politics has its place.
When women and men come together, two different lives are mingling. There will be joy, love, frustrations, and entanglements because both households bring different experiences, perceptions, opinions, careers, family, friends, and personalities to the mix.
Women have lived a lifetime under the control of men and their rules. Women are not about to forego their independence to a man and be controlled once again by rules. Dominance and oppression are HUGE red flags by women. Women will flee if they find men who want to control them.
Women don’t want to be told what to do or told to accept men’s uncompromising behaviors. This echoes to women that men are unwilling to change, compromise and be flexible. If men have these types of behaviors and know it, they have chosen not to do the inner self-exploration to aspire to their full potential for manifesting a loving relationship. This mindset will keep them stuck. They will be unable to move forward until they confront their conflict and discover self-love. Positive solutions are granted when we dig deep and claim our own love victoriously. There is no greater love than self-love. It is our superpower of joy, light, love, and positivity. Once found, our hearts will bloom to receive the love waiting for us.
Women appreciate men who rise to their standards because women are worthy of the best of everything.
Men who are willing to go the distance and “row the boat” to have a quality relationship are men who choose relationships as priorities. This speaks volumes to women when men care enough to make their women a priority and want her happiness as the focal point.
Women Shine and Sparkle Like Glitter
Above all, women are extraordinary human beings. Women have risen from the bowels of darkness and glow brilliantly to give others permission to shine too. The God spark within is their superpowers, with stardust on their face, the cosmos as their cape, petals in their pockets, and feathers in their hair. They are the light force of courage, resiliency, strength, perseverance, fortitude, and power. Even through darkness, women’s spiritual divinity remains gentle, kind, patient, compassionate, and forgiving, with grace.
Women have always wondered why they couldn’t fit their sparkling super stars into the round hole of life, and realized they were far greater than the sum of their parts. Women’s brilliance shines from within through the broken pieces of glass of their souls that are magnified one hundred times over. Women are wise warriors who reign victoriously to bring peace, harmony, love, and light to those who walk in their shadows, especially at night. Besides, women know how to make their own magic come true…if only they believe in you know who.
My wish is for all women to shine like a super nova star… Women’s brilliance, worthiness, intelligence, beauty, and grace is their effervescence. Believe in US and Believe in YOU! Shine on sweet souls!✨
If you feel alone, unloved, isolated, please contact me. You are never ever alone.
Sending dreams come true under the twinkling sky above. May fairy dust be sprinkled on you….🧚🏻♀️ Sweet dreams.🌟🌙
In Love and Light,
Dr. Kimberly Lees
Sex Begins in the Kitchen, by Kevin Leman
The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman